Patrice Lewis is outraged -- outraged, I tell ya! -- in her Oct. 17 WorldNetDaily column:
America, it seems, has turned a corner. Its citizens are now officially stupid.
It’s unbelievable that a nation that became the powerhouse of the planet, that set the standard for freedom, that churned out manufactured goods that made us the envy of the globe, that enabled its people to make that famous 5,000-year leap … now cannot be trusted to roast our own marshmallows without government guidance.
It seems the U.S. Forest Service recently published a 700-word guide on how to safely roast marshmallows. (The publication was released in time for Aug.30, which was officially, I kid you not, “National Roasted Marshmallow Day.” Your tax dollars at work.)
This comprehensive article suggests that a 10-foot buffer between children and a fire is a good rule of thumb. Roasting sticks should be at least 30 inches in length. (Do the math for how long a kid’s arm will have to be to roast marshmallows from 10 feet away with a 30-inch stick.) Oh, and don’t eat too many marshmallows, since a lot of sugar may prevent children from sleeping well. And be careful of all those nasty calories and unhealthy ingredients in s’mores. Instead, we can roast thin slices of fruit and angel food cake for a “healthier” snack. “You’re still having campfire fun, but the focus is on a healthier evening snack,” the guide gravely informs us.
This marshmallow guidance is not just a dumb, useless government tract. It’s also a subtle reinforcement that the American people are now too stupid to do much of anything. After all, can you imagine a government public service announcement which says, “Buy a bag of marshmallows. Sharpen some long sticks. Start a campfire. Have fun” …? Of course not.
The government now considers Americans too stupid to do any of that without getting the marshmallows in their hair, poking their eyes out with the sharp sticks and setting the forest on fire. Man, how on earth did our nation ever survive this long when it’s so full of stupid, incompetent people?
Lewis seems to have forgotten about that time the hosts of "Fox & Friends" tried to roast marshmallows with their hands. Even fellow Fox Newser Chris Wallace thought they were idiots:
People like these -- and, mind you, they are the hosts of a nationally televised weekday program -- are why the government must issue such instructions, Patrice.